Emster

new site....

2006-11-18T23:42:00.000-05:00

ok u guys...my blog is moving to www.freewebs.com/emma12892

Poems for Her

2006-11-16T20:46:00.000-05:00

It's taken me awhile to actually be able to put pen to paper and write about this. just this whole situation. It's odd enough circumstances already...and in some ways...actually in most ways, I thought I was over it. But I'm not. It's hard to get over something like that. So here are just 3 poems to start me off. To let myself write about it. Just 3 ideas abou this whole situation. 3 out of god knows how many...

Whispers
Whispers don’t fully conceive the way it happened
It sucks really
How people are ashamed
How people feel guilty
There’s too much tension in the air for sadness
There’s too much tension in the air for grief
All we can feel is the room turning
And the whispers begin again

People are perceived in warped visions
Visions of false happiness
Visions of false security

Somehow it all ends up at her
Her again
Not in her nature
It really shouldn’t be in anyone’s nature
People are preserved to us
In the best possible ways
But it’s kind-of hard
When nature reverses itself

People keep trying to explain this
Those I know are trying to help
But by the end of the road
It doesn’t matter
Because no explanation is going to bring her back
No explanation can reverse time

So instead we’re gonna sit here
And feel the room turn
And let the whispers begin again

4,785
4,785
that’s how many days she got to spend on earth
now cast off
sitting on the golden steps
in which we call heaven figuratively
in which she had no reason to believe in
not until today

4,785
that’s how many days she got to live
how many days she got to love
and somehow without a question
she ended up here

if she were still here with us
if somehow she gave us more than 4,785 days
maybe if she just smiled one last time
or laughed one last time
maybe then we could learn to let go
she could learn to let go

if we could just have
1
or 2
or maybe 4,785 more days
maybe this wouldn’t be so hard
maybe it would be harder

in any case
for anyone
4,785 days
is never enough

No Angel
It wasn’t in my best interest
To take religion into consideration
Too stubborn, too narrow-minded

But she’s up there
She can see the pearly gates from where she sits
luckily she had the faith
that with which most of us lacked
and still she stalls

they’re up there
waiting for her to make her mark
and somehow she’s still down on these golden steps
wishing she was back home

and then amidst the silence
she lets out a laugh
imagining herself up there
among all the pretty angels
the angels with their polished halos

she can see us smiling down here too
because anyone knows
she wasn’t an angel

but its still
somehow the sad day
as we find ourselves desperately losing hope
as she takes a breath and ascends the steps

maybe now we can let go
let her go play with the pretty angels
maybe forget about the halo

but before she lets go
before we let go
we shout out and just want her to know
just remember
she’ll always be an angel in our eyes

Pain

2006-10-22T16:52:00.001-04:00

she said bruises werent a sign of pain
i politely disagreed
lost between truths of today
and memories of tomorrow

she said tears werent a sign of sadness
and again i sigh asking her point
apologetically let loose
and wonder how she means

and with one more sigh she tried to explain
pain isnt physical
pain isn't emotional

her words are lost to me
all i see are the bruises
all i see are the tears

turning away
captured by the undeniable quivering
in a quiet voice beneath the storm

it's all clear now
what pain means to her
as she stumbles over words forgotten
childlish sentences uprooted

as i listen to her ramble on
i quietly realize what she meant by it

pain, i know now
pain is in her words

2006-10-22T15:54:00.000-04:00

You made me cry that day
down under the cool calm collected
hidden exterior of a front

ten tears on the pavement
trust my impairment
as i let myself slide
slide away from reality
away from the binds
that tie and release
tie and release

try to let yourself go
let loose some inner strength
in which you can
in which you will
you should find the courage

there are days
I tell myself most often
wandering through the halls
lost confused afraid
hidden behind what i pretend to be

and you ask me why i cry
Loss of words
rush of emotion
find myself confused
searching for answers
in those I pass with just one look

and then there it is
the glance torn in half
unconcerned with the prospect of why
why I wind it all so tight

I ask you why you do that
you ask me why I cry

tell me why you do that
I'll tell you why I cry

Time Machine

2006-09-23T23:19:00.000-04:00

She sits on the terrace contemplating what life means to her
as the candles dwindle away, so does her youth
she has yet to admit that she is no longer young
she can no longer live a carefree life
reckless and unaware
as she watches which daughters seemed so unlikely
learn to grow from their mistakes

but somehow she has yet to learn
and that, in many ways
makes her more childlike than she was as a small girl
more childlike then her growing children still are

and for the first time in weeks
she smiles like a kid
she can relive her dreams as a kid
not the girl who was too afraid to go downstairs
too afraid to view the wreckage of yet another blowout
she can learn to live the childhood
the childhood she never had

new poem

2006-08-22T17:50:00.000-04:00

And so the Story Goes

And so the story goes
Beautiful rolling hills with dusty paths
Leading down to a clear blue waters edge
(Where the reflections look sweeter than the reality)
This is where the boy meets the girl
Of course that’s always the story
He a scruffy work boy
She a beautiful princess

They spend that day
(and many other ones that have yet to be recorded)
just trying to enjoy each others presence
(like that could actually be enough)

But of course
Like in most stories of romance
They cannot live as one
And so she cries
And he comforts
(it has to happen once)
they have to go their separate ways
she destined to marry an evil prince (many years her senior)
he to be a stable boy for the remainder of his life

and so the story goes
sad music plays
and there are long lonely walks in the rain
(much like the plot of an average romantic comedy)

of course one day
many year later
she has an urge to visit that place they once met
although now it is not more than a foggy dream to her
and she runs down the dusty path
and finds him
at the waters edge
(where the reflections look sweeter than the reality)

and so the story goes
they forget all other things
(prior commitments and what not)
and just dream
to live forever as one

well romantic stories (fairy tales as well)
live only on paper
written by those who have no other motive
than to dream

and the princess and the work boy
can never truly learn to live as one

and so the story goes
how far will your imagination

Rainy Days

2006-06-26T11:44:00.000-04:00

Rainy day
Today is one
hazy sky
fog settling over the cool calm river

we watch
watch the droplets climb down the window
weaving in and out
the cars turn on their headlights
acting as mirages
upon the rain soaked street

we listen
listen to the raindrops
the thunk thunk
millions by millions
slamming onto the wed hard concrete

We smell
smell and taste the crisp clean air
arriving so soon after a thunderstorm
past not too long ago

We feel
feel the laziness
creep through our bodies
soaking up every last bit of energy
as we slump
onto the rough window sill

now we sleep
dream
rest

packing

2006-06-25T11:29:00.000-04:00

Today is the day to get all my packing done for camp. At the moment, mom is tunneling through hills of clothing that she dumped all over hte floor of my room. I'm trying to stay as far away as possible - at least until the dust clears.
Nana is coming tonight and I still have to make a lemon tart. It's for padres fathers day. We're celebrating it today due to the fact that he was in the midwest last week.
AHHH g2g., more later

Graduation

2006-06-24T11:32:00.000-04:00

Graduating last Wednesday was supposed to feel huge and be really emotional for me. But as I sat in the audience, listening to my Literacy teacher drone on and on about ribbons and breathing, and watched countless performances from my peers that made me burst out laughing, and stood up on the risers to perform a terrible rendition of "AS" by Stevie Wonder with the rest of my grade, I didn't feel much. I felt sad, but no tears came. I felt scared, but my heart didn't race.

The thing I'm going to miss most is the people. Even my enemies or the people I haven't spoken more than 5 words to since 6th grade. Because all of us as a whole is what makes us the class of 2006. Which is why, I believe, we felt like we had fallen completely apart with the loss of our friend, Malaya.

Thinking about it now, it is scary and sad. Next year I won't get to see ava and claire and maya and ellie and zoe and simone and sarah and calvin and tyler and jacqueline and countless others every day. And it's kindof crushing. Because this was the year I learned to make new friends. I have new friends. And it's gonna be hard for me to keep those friendships strong next year. But I'm going to try. Thats my hope.

time for a change...

2006-05-21T19:54:00.000-04:00

So just in case you're blind...or completely stupid - I changed my layout. i decided it was time for a change. the only problem is - with this layout I cant figure out how to have people post comments. ah well...I guess I'll have to do a bit more reasearch...

hmm...train of thought

2006-05-20T13:41:00.000-04:00

You know it's funny...what we do and don't remember. I find myself remembering very random moments, like a part of the drive to Cancun when we were in Mexico, but not parts of very big days, like the afternoon of 9/11. What in our brain omits some moments and keeps others?
I also do think that I do not have a very good memory. I mean, my short term memory is fine, but I don't have an abundance of memories from when i was younger.
hmmmmm....my train of though for the day

and i wonder...

2006-05-18T20:08:00.000-04:00

What the point of all this blogging really is. I mean, the only ones reading it are my dad and mom. Pretty depressing - huh? (no offense u guys). But what is keeping me from having tons of people flocking to my blog. Oh, I know...MYSPACE.
Its dragging teens and adults alike into this mind control of commenting, friend requesting, profile browsing, vortex of mindless and stupid....ok my rant is over.
but lets not be completely hypocritical here. I can enjoy myspace. thats the tricky part. how do we get over it?

Uncovering the mystery....

2006-05-16T16:17:00.000-04:00

1) One Tree Hill cast from left - James Lafferty, Sophia Bush, Chad Michael Murray, Bethant Joy Lenz, Hilarie Burton, Tyler Hilton. Ah yes, sad how much I know.

So why do I love One Tree Hill so much? It can't be because it is a good show. I can't say sloppy teenage soap opera fast enough. It's not because I love the drama - the comedy in it is the best part.
I guess we could say it's because I love the characters. I love to hate them. I don't watch the show for the plot - I watch it to see what will happen with Brooke and Lucas, or Peyton and Jake. Will Nathan and Haley stay married? Is Brooke pregnant? There is something insde me that NEEDS to see what will happen in their lives.
Sigh...If only I had a clue

Look for the Silver Lining

2006-05-14T20:39:00.000-04:00

Ok so I don't really have an excuse for not posting in so long (not that anyone even reads it, though) but I feel like I'm sort-of cheating if I leave something in my life out of my posts, and I really didn't feel like retelling what happened.
Now, after an extended period of rest, I can retell. In few words.

Basically a girl in my grade, an aqquaintence of mine, jumped off of her 14 story apartment building on March 29th, 2006. the news hit us all pretty badly and left us all shaken. but a pretty cool thing happened then. For awhile our school came together. We all agreed that popularity and cliques weren't helping anything out. On the night we all found out, thursday the 30th, about 20 of us came together in a chat room. (see dad, Ichat is good for some things). We spent 4 hours just talking. about how we were gonna' change, about our feelings, what we were upset about, and how to remember her well. When copied into microsoft word, the chat was 70 pages long.

And even though now, a month and a half later, our school is not completely changed - we still have our cliques - we all know that we aren't seperate anymore. even as we walk down the halls and ignore someone we poured our feelings out to online the night before, there's a connection.

We all felt the same pain. Whether we were her best friend or her worst enemy. whether we expressed our pain through tears or no emotion at all. we all were hurt.

Time for a Change

2006-03-19T09:41:00.000-05:00

So as well as changing my template, I'm spiffing up my room. I've begun adding quotes to my walls.
the 3 I have now are:

"All of us learn to write in the 2nd grade. Most of us go on to greater things"
-Bobby Knight

"Niney-Eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest people. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them."
-Lily Tomlin

"There is always some madness in love. but there is also always some reason to madness."
-Friedrich Nietzsche

"It is possible to fail in many ways...while to succeed is possible only in one way."
-Aristotle

Another bunch of idiots.

2006-03-12T12:49:00.000-05:00

So....interesting day on Friday. Two 7th graders brought a beebee gun into our school and shot 4 people; one in the lip, one on the finger, one in the stomach and one somewhere else I don't know. I highly doubt that they actually wanted to hurt these people. They were just being idiots and shooting randomly. "Hey look, it's a gun! BANG BANG!"
Of course they got taken upstairs to the office. They then both asked to go to the bathroom and ran out of the school building. The police looked for them for hours and apparently eventually found them both at home.
wow. how stupid do you have to be? Okay why didn't they realize that running made things worse? Did hey seriously think that they wouldn't be caught? I mean, come on.

Thinking

2006-03-02T14:29:00.000-05:00

So I'm sitting in Yearbook in the computer lab, and I'm supposed to be doing something yearbook-related. But I don't have anything to do...so im doing this. Anyway, Padre gets mad when I spell things wrong on my blog because, "it's supposed to be proffesional" in the words of him. WUTEVA....
Anyway, I'm thinking of starting a podcast. The problem is, I don't know where to start. It would probably be really stupid anyway because I would get really dramatic and start talking about how depressing my life is like Peyton from one tree hill. But it would keep me off the TV...hopefully....

Sigh

2006-02-26T18:20:00.000-05:00

So....back to school tomorrow. I finished my homework at about three in the afternoon so I could have a Grey's Anatomy marathon with Kate and her friends. We watched the first three episodes. They were good - but definetely not as good as this season.

S-T-U-Y Whats that spell? STUY!!!

2006-02-21T18:05:00.000-05:00

Well, it's official. I am going to Stuyvesant High School next year. It's only one of the best high schools in the country. Yep, this year almost ten seniors were accepted to harvard early decision.
Okay, for those of you who ducked down to gag while I was bragging, I'm done now. You can look back. The bragging is over. I just had to get it out of my system.
So I attended the open house on thursday night. Here's a rundown of the evening:
4:30 - 5:15: we were herded like sheep into the auditorium (after spending $40 on a math placement text review book) to endure 45 minutes of dauntingly intimidating speeches from the principal, math director, class president, etc. Surprisingly, I wasn't too fazed. Mom came in late through the back door. Luckily we were seated by her entrance so she could sit down on the steps near our chairs, otherwise I don't know how she would have found us in the huge auditorium.
5:30 - 6:15 and 6:30 - 7:15. These two sessions were supposed to be split up evenly - the first for visiting different departments and the second for signing up for teams and clubs but it ended up sort-of blending together. First of all, it took me, Madre and Padre about half an hour to realize that the escalators went by every other floor. You'd think that kind of information would be the important stuff that they put on the pamphlet - but no. Anyway, we visited the math department where the dude explained to us the "math track" at stuy. This was enlightening and surprisingly easy to understand. We also went to English (my favorite) where I learned about all the courses I could take. We made brief visits to the science and language departments and I quickly sidestepped an old aquantince from 234 that I didn't really want to speak with.
The last part was the most daunting. As we came to the Club and team floor, I was overtaken by dozens of screaming students asking me to join this team and this club. I feebly signed up for tryouts for the track and swim temas, but didn't even bother finding the newspaper table. I figured that if I got really interested I would email someone about joining it later.
Finally we left. Dad headed home and mom and I went off to battery park city to pick up a car rental, some bagels and some pizza. By the time I got home I was thuroughly exausted - but not exausted enough to skip some tv time.
All in all, it was a fairly spirit lifting day. Oh, except for the drama with my friend Kaitlyn. After the stuy thing (which she was also at) she calls me crying saying that her parents called her and were yelling at her and mad at her for some reason. I'm not to good with the reassuring thing so I just told her to find out why her parents were mad. Kaitlyn's parents over work her way to much and are extremely strict. She still does not know why they were mad at her.
Drama, drama, drama.

YAY!!!!

2006-02-09T18:50:00.000-05:00

Today I recieved official notice that I was excpeted to LaGuardia High School in nyc!!! yay!!!! at least I know I will get into one high school

NEVER AGAIN

2006-02-04T11:25:00.000-05:00

So before mom and dad left this morning, mom opened the windows. The windows, mind you, that do not have screens on them. So there i am, finishing folding the clothes while watching 8 simple rules when I hear a tapping noise. I see a shape emerge from the back. And a pigeon appears.
I scream and jump up, therefore causing the pigeon to fly back out the window (I hope although I didnt actually see it fly out.) I then slammed the window closed.

It would be so easy to blame this on marco

Who needs it?

2006-02-03T18:19:00.000-05:00

I've been trying to cut back on TV like padre wants - although I don't think he notices - so I have been limiting myslef to an hour or less of television on a weekday. However, we Tivo way more than an hour of television a day so now we have tons of shows cued up on our "now playing list" that i haven't gotten to watch...

What a sad life I lead.

another week...gone

2006-01-27T16:08:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in the newsroom at the new york times waiting for madre and I to head off to 34th st to take an amtrak up to Hudson to drive to our country house in ghent to go skiing tomorrow at Jiminy Peak in Massachusetts. Wow...that was a run on sentence.

Annnnywhoo....Nothing much going on here

Hitting the slopes

2006-01-26T21:48:00.000-05:00

madre and i are up to the country tomorrow for a weekend of skiing. Well, in my case, snowboarding. I have decided, after four years of skiing that I will try snowboarding. We'll see how it turns out. :)

Padre is planning to paint the floor while we're away because kate will be at a friends birthday party for the weekend, also up in colombia county.

'aint life grand?

My Lists

2006-01-25T16:58:00.000-05:00

3 things that suck about today:
1) I have a new key. Our landlord is neurotic so it's the size of an apple tree. sadly for me, we can't just go get another one at the key shop if we lose it. I have to go ask our landlord for another one. and we know how forgetful emma is.

2) It is only wednesday

3) It's one of those days that isn't too cold - but you can't seem to get warm. I have on two sweaters and I have a chill inside my body. It doesn't help that there is no heating wafting up from the floor below us like there used to be when the fish market was there.

3 things that rock about today:
1) One Tree Hill is on tonight

2) I am not completely disgusted with my homework

3) School is done for the day

$$$

2006-01-24T19:23:00.000-05:00

Today I am broke. Well, at least in my piggy bank. :) So I am doing extra chores around the house for extra cash. I just spent 2 hours cleaning the living room for $20. I am hopeless.

Last summer I rode at a barn that rescues abused and neglected farm animals, mainly horses.***
Here's cherry blossom, a chubby stubborn pony that I rode a lot last summer:

To adopt an animal or just gaze at their prettiness, go to www.h-o-r-s-e.org

***To be exact, the farm holds:
> 50 horses (1 blind)
6 sheep
4 cows
1 calf (bull)
6 dogs (1 blind)
>90 cats
1 pig (>600lbs)

Sick....again

2006-01-18T12:37:00.000-05:00

I know that it's been awhilee since I've posted but nothing interesting has really happened sice my last post. Well...that was a lie.
I got sick again yesterday. Fun fun. Apparently the doctor doesn't think it's related to the strep I had two weeks ago. figures. anyway...I have been out of school for two days. Convieniently missed the ELA so I will get out of class to take it when I return. And then in the next few months I need to take a math, science, social studies and spanish test. Funny thing...our school apparently hates standardize tests. No - I won't blame it on them. we have to take it. Besides, my friend said that our Literacy teacher was making fun of the test the whole time she was reading instructions. So I guess thats proof enough.

yo homie

2006-01-15T13:35:00.000-05:00

at my friend cathy's house.

anyway.....one tree hills on on wednesday. so haley might be pregnant but we're not sure. dum dum duuummmm

And Again

2006-01-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

Another week starts once again. I had to sit through three hours of drama with a splitting headache. i then came home and popped a tylonal. tylonal has always worked its magic in the past so lets hope it does now

Padre

2006-01-08T13:37:00.000-05:00

This is one of my favorite paintings by padre:

And not just because it has my name in its title. :)

With the homees

2006-01-07T14:42:00.000-05:00

with my homees sarah and cathy. i got a door answering gig tonight 20 bucks w/e

TGIF!!!!

2006-01-06T20:40:00.000-05:00

How happy am I that it is finally Friday? PRETTY DARN HAPPY!!! Amazingly I managed to finish my spanish project. :) I am sooooooooooo relieved. I actually hardly have any homework.

For those One Tree Hill watchers, go to the WB to see the preview for next weeks episode. 5 more days!!!!!!!

Sadly Gilmore Girls has to wait 11 days. welll, I can deal without Lukes whole OH MY GOD I HAVE A TWELVE YEAR OLD DAUGHTER scenario. what shows feel a little too soapy lately. I don't want to point any fingers but.....

anyway...2 movies rented for tonight. i dont know whether i will be able to watch them but...

anyway....till 2morrow then

Ugh...spanish

2006-01-05T17:00:00.000-05:00

Stupid teachers - i have this spanish thing due 2morrow that i had to sneak out of school b/c our teacher wouldnt let us take it home :)
Here with Clairebear.

UGHH

2006-01-04T14:36:00.000-05:00

Ok...it's offical. I have strep, Which is weird - no sore throat. Just a stomach ache. which apparently is a symptom. shows what i kno

Bac 2 school

2006-01-03T18:01:00.000-05:00

Officially bac 2 school. wasn't 2 bad. At least it's only a four day week.

Another one of my favorites:
Go 2 google and type in "miserable failue." Then click: I'm feeling lucky.

Anyone surprised? Not me.

Cathys song

2006-01-02T16:44:00.000-05:00

___ is as old as time
___ thinks that he is fine
___ will commit a crime
___ wears makeup the color of lime

anyone who goes to is89 can probably figure out who would go in these categories (wink wink nudge nudge poke poke)

VOTE FOR ME

2006-01-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

If you go to my school, that is

SO I just finished spending like 1 billion hours on campaign posters with cathy and sarah. We only made like 8, but wuteva.

Padre has informed me that some of my links don't work so I'll try to fix them, but im not that great at html so we'l have to see...

Last Day

2006-01-02T10:40:00.000-05:00

Well, it's the last day of break and I am finishing homework. I know it's weird but I am sort of relieved to go back to school :-)

New Years Resolutions

I have my usual ones:

Be more organized and neater
Be more motivated with homework
Cut down on TV time

I can't really remember how much I've kept to these resolutions the past years but I guess thar it's just smart to keep putting them down.

Of course I need some new ones too:

Run 3 miles w/o stopping

I can't think of anymore :-)

some links you need to see

2006-01-01T22:24:00.000-05:00

OK: this is an incomplete list of my favorite websites. Most are stupid - but don't let that stop you:

Funny Junk
make sure you check out The end of Ze World, The Insanity Test, Watch This!, and How To Drive
Bored.com
great for mindless games and fun things to do on the web. Look for Birth Database (freaky!), Which is Worse?, The lemonade game, and the age guessing game
Ebaumsworld
fun games. Play Bouncy - my favorite. some cool jokes too

AHHHHHHHHHH

2006-01-01T20:02:00.000-05:00

Just realized. Bac to school on Tuesday. Maybe I should get around to that homework........

The tree has been de-trimmed. But Padre says we can't put it out until wednesday (???) Oh and btw: I'm not spanish. I just like saying madre and padre

1st Day

2006-01-01T19:19:00.000-05:00

once again a new year is upon us. A bit repeatitive don't you think? Same as last year. Ape in office, Iraq war. it keeps going on and on.